Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Forrest Gump was right...


Life is like a box of chocolates. Who woulda thunk it? A movie about a mentally challenged, self-made millionaire is so telling.

Here I sit, at my computer, trying to hash out the thoughts that scramble through my already scrambled brain. I spend the entire day putting out the fires of 10-14 year olds just like an over peed upon fire hydrant. Minor complaints fill my day from "this teacher did this," to "I thought she was my friend." These issues keep my day moving and seem, at the time, as if I will never be able to solve them. But just like the day before and hopefully the days to come, I manage to save the day. And then I go home...

Home is a different story. Amidst a level 10 breakup, I am head over heels in resentment, anger, sadness, relief, depression, fear, you name it, it's here. Chain smoking cigarettes and wishing for a fountain of Pinot Grigio to drown in, I manage to throw my bag down and greet a resentful, angry, sad, relieved, depressed and scared man.

Me: Hi
Him: Hey
Me: How was your day? (Trying to sound as if "it's all good")
Him: okay

And that is the gist of the conversations for the rest of the night. What once was a caring, loving, concerned and accepting environment is now tense and uncomfortable. I wish it could be different. I wish my feelings weren't based on 2 years of feeling misunderstood, taken advantage of and any of the other cliched reasons as to why relationships don't work. I sit at my computer and google "getting over a break up," "relationship advice" and "help please I don't know what to do." Only to find that relationships aren't like anything else you need help in, you can't just google it and find a remedy. I can't really talk to friends because their advice is so riddled with "giiiiiiirrrrllll I don't know how you deal with that, I would've...." that I don't even bother. I just decided that I would sit at my computer and write. This will be an interesting read to someone out there. Someone going through a breakup who needs something to read to take their mind off of the ever looming present.

So, here I sit, at the computer....where do i start? My history of relationships is pretty eventful. None of them were successful, but they were pretty eventful. The one thing that they have in common is that they all left me feeling as if I had been taken advantage of. I use the term all, very accurately. Which leaves me to ponder if all of them left me feeling this way, maybe it's me. Is it me??? It can't be me, I'm ChicagoSlim Gotdammit! But what if it is...

So now I am left to ponder about the patterns of these relationships. I am a caring nurturer, which if coupled with the wrong person can manifest itself into something like what I have experienced a few too many times. A man that gets real comfortable, real quick. Which is cool in the beginning because, "Hey, I mean we are always together, so why don't you just stay here and we can split the bills and I love you and this is so freaking great and girl guess what he did for me and Yaay!" So at first it is bliss. I come home and there's food and freaking and fun. But after a while the food gets prepared less and the freaking falls off and the fun is forced. And let me add that forced fun is no fun at all. But, I love you and I would do anything for you and no you don't have to pay this month, I understand and oh, wait you don't have it this month either?? So that's how it starts. I allow this pattern to repeat itself until it becomes a habit. It gets to the point where I am not surprised if there's no money, because I've got it and I'm sooo-oo understanding and now I'm wrong for even asking and now I don't even ask for it because it's understood that I've got it. How depressing?

So now I'm the freaking Statue of Liberty?? "Give me your tired, your weary, your poor?" No Thank You!!!!! I will gladly put the torch down, unravel my robe and walk the earth naked if I meet another "man" that takes my kindness for weakness. I don't want to be a stone cold bitch, that's not me...but if I meet another one... I just might have to be.

1 comment:

  1. Getting it out will help you process your feelings and learn from the experience. I hope this transition goes a s smooth as possible for you. I love you and will be there for you anytime yo need it!

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