Hips and Thighs

Breaking up sucks! I'm not talking about newborn baby sucks. I'm talking about Hoover Super-Powered Vacuum sucks! I'm talking about triple time warp speed sucks! I'm talking about that ride at the amusement park that spins you around sucks! Ugh!

He just moved out. I mean there's still little nick knack paddy whacks here, but it's just the knowing that it's done that I’m dealing with right now. And the little pitter-patter hug didn't make shit better. I was expecting there to still be some feelings; a little movie love. You know, the man picks up the last box and turns to leave, but can’t because the woman (me) is so beautiful, and as he takes steps toward door, he throws down the box and they end in a passionate embrace. But, this is clearly in my imagination and I quickly learned that some people are better at hiding their feelings than others. I mean, I know I'm the queen of a shut-down, but damn....

My sister made me feel better. She asked me how I felt after he left and I said "Weird." She said, "that's how newborn chicks feel when they're first born. Remember," she said, "this is a rebirth, You have been here before, you just have less baggage chickadee." Wow! So now I just have to get ride of the two years of baggage that's resting on my hips and thighs! Because this shit is here and it's real. So as long as these thighs are flapping around...I guess I got some healing to do!

So now, Operation Clean Off Everything is in full effect, and then the Rebirth. As I'm cleaning the house I had time to think, cry, laugh, dance (please understand there was music involved), but most importantly had time to reflect. I'm pulling out plates and silverware, and the memories come flooding back; fun times, happy times, times when everything was all good. And while I am scrubbing counters, I'm thinking about him moving out, but also thinking about what it is about me that I need to send with him.

It's so easy to blame him; after all, he's a man, duh? And he was wrong! But, I can't sit here and say that he was all bad, after all I was with him for two years. I want to move out the fact that I often loose a sense of myself in relationships. The fabulous, fierce, funny, confident, sexy, outgoing, life of the party me seems to vanish the longer the relationship goes on. I find myslef so consumed in trying to keep him happy that I forget to be happy. I am so focused on “pleasing my man,” that I find myself resenting him because I’m fat, tired and feeling unappreciated. “Look! I stopped being me for you and you don’t even appreciate it! I gave up myself for you and this is how you repay me?” So along with the silverware, I packed up that little tidbit.

In that respect, I wish to move in the power to be more open to being myself. I get so caught up in what I think I’m supposed to do to make the relationship work that I turn into a four-headed monster beast that wrecks it because I am pretending to be someone I am not. I also want to move in being comfortable with myself. I have spoken to girlfriends in relationships who say that when they were single, they was so comfortable being single and right at the pinnacle, they met their man. As we talk I see them trailing off, dreaming about how secure they once were.

I know that feeling oh so well. I remember before I met “him.” I was working out, work was great, I loved my students, and I was enjoying my life. I’m not saying that I wasn’t enjoying my time with him, but because I was so secure with myself, I attracted him. I was open and available.

So now, in retrospect, I wonder if I had just waited a liii-ttle bit longer, would our relationship have lasted? Would I still be the secure woman that represented me in the beginning? Not the current shadow of myself. I mean really, who wants to date a freaking shadow. You can’t even hug a shadow! Try it! You really can’t!

As I move forward I will try everyday to get back to being me! The bad part is that it seems like the things that he wanted me to change about myself came so easy after we broke up. Now I want to paint the apartment. Now I want to go to the gym. Now I want to get organized. I mean knowing that he was leaving opened my eyes up to becoming more mature.

So off I go, on a brand new adventure. I am kind of excited to see what God has for me. This is what keeps me going, especially on the rough days. And I’d be lying if I said that there weren’t a few roughies thrown in there. But I know there’s a fabulous, fierce, funny, confident, sexy, outgoing, life of the party lurking inside. I just have to drop off some of these hips and thighs to find her!